Deeply Offended

You are right … Manas

We Indians are horrible people. All Indians, see what we have done. We have offended Manas Chakravarthy. Manas, I am deeply offended. Both mildly or deeply.

Advice to Sensitive Manas

And since you are the sensitive sort – so bothered about hungry kids, dirty loos, and all those dang thangs, why not extend your concern.

Include trees and paper.

Why waste so much paper on trying to pierce our thick Indian hides.

Let me let you onto a little secret.

We Indians are a rather devious type. I will give you an idea that will get you closer to the sensitive types – like, say Al Gore and Markandey Katju.

Just give us photos of Veena Mallik and Rakhi Sawant, like Katju-saheb says, with less clothes.

But remember, nekkid photos of women without clothes will offend us Manas.

I think 5-10 photos a day, and one full page of filmi gossip.

I mean, full newspaper sized page of gossip.

And don’t make up stories!

Give us silly Indians real stories. With human interest and values. Like Katju-saheb pleads.

Stories like …

Sallu has gone veg.

Sanju-baba has taken to pot again to stop farmers from committing suicides.

Shahrukh is two-timing Gauri, to give new-comers a chance in the film industry.

Madhuri is going to a do romantic film opposite Aamir Khan-Kiran Rao’s son – as a protest against Bollywood’s age bias.

Kareena, to foster national unity, has decided to wear only pink – in all her forthcoming films (no green, saffron, blue or white).

Rekha’s love-child with Amitabh Bachchan is going to be an art film director in Bhojpuri – to promote unity in diversity.

A repentant Garam Dharam has been funded by an ‘sensitive’ private equity player, to start a chain of blood-transfusion centres for stray dogs, across the world. Maneka Gandhi has already signed up as their first major customer. The only two countries where they will not operate is in Vietnam and Philippines, because ‘reliable’ sources have informed Garam Dharam that they eat dogs in those countries.

There. I have done my good deed for the day.

Maybe Manas will save some paper – and not write his sensitive and sensible stuff for us silly Indians.

Al Gore should give St.PTBarnum a medal. And if I get a medal, I will be happy.

Now …

Between the two of us, there are two deeply contemptuous people. One is me, of course. And my contempt gets the better of the offense you cause.

A word of advice?

We Indians are like that only. Why don’t you find better people to live with?

What Manas thinks and says about Indians

With people like Manas Chakravarthy, journalism is safe – safe from truth, investigation, inquiry.| Cartoon by Oliver Widder; source & courtesy – itmanagement.earthweb.com | Click for source image.

Invaders poured into the country, but I scarcely turned a hair. I even sided with some of them against the locals. A dash of foreign blood adds to a nation’s vitality, I used to think. Vatsayana wrote his manual on sex and

I forgot to be outraged. They built the temples at Khajuraho and Konark, but I was far from offended, being one of the first to go and ogle at them.

The country’s petty rulers were perpetually at war with each other, but that didn’t bother me in the least. We called a group of our own people outcasts and abused and exploited them for millennia, but that didn’t infuriate me. When a handful of British troops came and conquered us and many of us joined them and fought against our own people, I wasn’t even mildly irritated. It was only on the eve of Independence that I suddenly woke up in a rage and massacred my neighbours.

Come to think of it, I am quite a tolerant sort of chap. Some people have been talking about the thin-skinned Indian and how easy it is to rile me, but frankly, that’s hogwash. All you have to do is look around you. Do I get all hot and bothered when they tell me malnutrition in my country is higher than among the dirt poor countries of Africa? No sir, I remain unruffled. Am I enraged when our girl children are murdered in the womb? Nope, I keep my cool. Am I moved to protest when I look at our fetid slums in which our kids play in the midst of disease and filth? Why on earth should I? I’m not irked by the obscene inequalities in our land, where one family lives in a house of 27 floors while others live in sub-human conditions in hovels.

I remain calm when our tribals are exploited or when people who help them are charged with sedition. I have no argument with the khap panchayats. Schools without teachers? Health care centres without doctors? Not enough public toilets? Tens of thousands of farmers committing suicide? New-born babies dying en masse in hospitals? It’s just bad karma, I prefer to look on the bright side and think positive.

But there are limits to what I can stand. When Jay Leno makes a passing reference to our religious places in one of his jokes, I’m certainly not going to take it lying down. When Jeremy Clarkson lugged around a toilet in his car because he thought he would get diarrhoea in India, it really got my goat. Our water might give us cholera, but I am furious at his lack of good manners.

I am incensed by those literary types who have the temerity to criticise our version of our religions, our culture and our history. Ramanujam, Rushdie, Taslima, trouble-makers all. And I get livid when people insult us by eating beef, which is why they had to ban it in Madhya Pradesh. Don’t dare to even mention loathsome foreign abominations like Valentine’s Day, or living together, or nightclubs.

And if some foreign TV station that nobody has heard of says our deities are weird, they must apologise immediately. Who are these little people, what gotra are they, what is their rate of GDP growth, that they dare insult us? Look upon me ye critics and tremble, for the Deeply Offensive Indian is here. (via Deeply offensive – Hindustan Times).

All these invaders that you are talking of, tried pretty damn hard, to make us better. Much better.

But, we Indians didn’t change.

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